What is a "bisexual," and who are they?
The term “bisexual” does not imply sexual activity, only sexual attraction, and that attraction is generally not evenly split. Most bisexuals have a predominant attraction to one sex, most bisexuals don’t have significant experience with both sexes, and most bisexuals end up labeling themselves as either “straight” or “gay.” The majority of bisexuals who label themselves as “straight” are men. The majority of bisexuals who label themselves as “gay” are women.
There’s a new poll by the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), in conjunction with Hunter College, which has created a stir in the gay community because half of those who identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual were actually bisexual. The bisexual women outnumbered the bisexual men two to one.
Men, gay and straight, tend to scoff at the concept of bisexuality more than do women. Women seem less threatened by the concept, and less fearful of acknowledging their own feelings. But globally, more men than women have probably had more bisexual experience.
Many gay and straight people are suspicious of the label of “bisexuality,” sensing that the person is having trouble embracing the label “gay.” While it’s true that some gay people, myself included, have used the term “bisexual” as a way of wading rather than plunging into the waters of sexual identity, the opposite is probably true when you take into account all people who say they’re “gay.” There are more formerly-married bisexual men who say they are “gay” and more formerly-married bisexual women who say they are lesbian than there are gay people who claim to be bisexual. And, as previously suggested, there are far more bisexual men who say they are straight than there are bisexual men who say they are gay.
There is tension over this issue in the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community because self-proclaimed bisexuals feel marginalized and are angry at others in the community for hiding behind the “gay” and “lesbian” label. Feminist lesbians often see bisexuality talk and behavior by their sisters as a betrayal. Bisexual men who come out of marriages and out as “gay,” become “super gay,” like religious converts. Some embrace the term “gay” because it eliminates any questions about why they didn’t try harder to stay in the marriage. As there is no “bisexual community” per se, it is easier to find friends when you don’t confuse them with the ambiguity represented by bisexuality. While Woody Allen saw it as a way of doubling your options for a date on Saturday night, it also can cause concern when a person considers committing him or herself to an individual who is turned on by both sexes.
As women and men tend to conceptualize sex differently, with women generally seeing it as an expression of feelings, and men generally seeing it as a source of pleasure, and as women and men have very different experiences of orgasm, with women often not having an orgasm through traditional penal-vaginal intercourse and men equating it with ejaculation and having a long history of self-pleasuring, there is an enormous gender chasm when men from Mars and women from Venus try to talk about “sexual expression.” One may be thinking about a “blow job” at a rest stop and the other is thinking of cuddling with a soul sister.
Is sex really sex without an orgasm? Is sex really sex without desire? Is sex and “love-making” the same? What constitutes "sex"? Some teenagers, and some politicians, think that oral sex is not sex. Some teenagers who have pledged to maintain their virginity until marriage insist that anal sex does not violate their promise. Some men feel that it’s not "gay" to receive oral sex from a man but that it would definitely be "gay" to give oral sex to another man. The opposite would be true about anal sex between men. There it is better to give than to receive.
Some men can have sex with other men and not think of it as “gay” as long as they don’t kiss. Some women can kiss other women and not think of it as “lesbian” as long as they don’t touch each other’s genitals. For some people, if you think about doing something, you’re guilty of having done it. For others, thinking is guilt free. It’s okay, and maybe even normal, for instance, for a man to think about having sex with another man, but that doesn’t make him gay or bisexual. It would only count if he actually did it.
What does all of this have to do with “bisexuality?” Everything! If we can’t agree on terminology and definitions, how can we have a rational discussion?
When we talk about heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, we’re really talking about sexual orientation (our feelings of attraction,) sexual behavior (what we “do” sexually), and sexual identity (how we label ourselves privately and publicly.) I suggest that the vast majority of the population of the world is bisexual in its orientation. Again, that only means that the vast majority of the population has the capacity to experience pleasure, to a greater or lesser degree, if free of all social and religious taboos, with both sexes. Bisexuality is NOT a social construct. In other words, it has always existed and will always exist in humans and in every other species of mammal regardless of cultural influences.
That does not mean that the majority of the population of the world will act on those feelings of attraction. For a variety of reasons – religious beliefs, stability of the family unit, cultural attitudes, shyness, poor self-esteem, fear of the unknown, the hunger for community, etc – people choose their behaviors. They also choose their sexual identity, which is a social construct. The words “gay” "lesbian," "bisexual," "heterosexual," and "homosexual," didn’t exist 1,000 years ago. That doesn’t mean that people didn’t have same-sex behavior, but they didn’t call it “gay” or “homosexual.” Today, it is an identity that allows people the opportunity to create a “lifestyle” for themselves that better meets their needs than was possible for their homosexual ancestors. They can create “gay” newspapers, bars, political organizations, religious groups, and vacation destinations. So too can bisexuals, but they have done so less successfully.
So, what is a bisexual? It is a person who has the capacity to experience sexual pleasure with both sexes, whether or not they act on it, and whether or not they acknowledge it. That describes most people.
(If you have comments or questions, please know that I’d love you to visit me at www.brian-mcnaught.com.)
