Yielding Without Backing Down
The church bells in our neighborhood continue to ring out Christmas carols. Several days after New Year’s Day, they’re playing Go Tell It on the Mountain. (I’ll now be humming that song all day.) Wouldn’t it be nice if the spirit of the holidays continued to be sung in everyone’s heart?
Two days after Christmas, I was in line at the grocery store, watching the woman in front of me try to carry on a cell phone conversation as she checked out. She made no eye contact with the Indian woman tallying her purchases except when the distracted customer dropped a bag on the floor that she was absentmindedly putting in her cart. She ended the call, looked into the bag of broken eggs, and said to the cashier angrily, “You didn’t tell me you put the eggs in that bag. I want another dozen.”
“It’s not her fault,” I said. “You were talking on the phone the whole time, not paying any attention to what you were doing.”
A bit embarrassed that she got called on her behavior, she said, “Well, people keep calling me.” To which I responded, “Quit answering the phone.”
The very nice checkout clerk rolled her eyes as the customer scurried off for more eggs. “It’s just eggs,” she said.
The next day, as Ray and a group of others waited to be called in to see the doctor, he watched the agitated faces of people around him in response to the incessant cell phone chatter of a middle-aged man conducting business in call after call as he bided his time.
“Would you mind taking your calls in the other room,” Ray asked nicely.
“Wait a second,” the put-out “patient” said to the person on the other end of the line. “These jackasses want me to move.”
Go tell it on the mountain that some people will always blame others for the troubles they create themselves. And let it be known that there seems to be an increased level of anger in the world. Have you noticed it?
Just before Christmas, I asked a friend to take me off his mailing list of circulated e-mail items. He had sent to his friends the picture of Sarah Palin holding a gun with Rudolph the Reindeer mounted on the wall behind her. In response, a wealthy, prestigious, Republican friend wrote, “Too bad she missed Obama, Reed [sic], and sweet, ever-good looking Nancy.” So much for “Peace on earth, good will toward men.”
As we head into 2010, how shall we, who want to keep the spirit of the holidays in our hearts 365 days of the year, respond to those who vex not just our spirits, but also those around us? How do we stop them from overwhelming us all with their anger?
The Tao te Ching, one of my most treasured spiritual guide books, advises us to move out of the way.
Thus, whoever is stiff and inflexible is a disciple of death.
Whoever is soft and yielding is a disciple of life.
And elsewhere:
The soft overcomes the hard; the gentle overcomes the rigid.
Everyone knows this is true, but few can put it into practice.
So, what does this mean? Sometimes it means getting up and moving, as Ray and I will do if noisy people sit near us in the movie theater. Instead of spending the two hours trying to control their behavior, we simply get up and find seats that allow us to see the film in peace. But it doesn’t mean that we allow the woman in the grocery store to abuse the check-out person or the inconsiderate cell phone user in the doctor’s office to impact the serenity of everyone around him. It’s important to speak up, especially when others are being attacked, but we can do so without the same mean-spiritedness they’re exhibiting. Being “soft and yielding” means clearly addressing inappropriate behavior, asking for what we want, and letting go.
The woman in the grocery store was coincidentally parked right next to me and we approached our cars at the same time. I made myself let go of the need for the last word. When Ray and I exited the doctor’s office, we passed the rude cell phone user. Ray let go of his desire to say “jackass,” as we passed. I asked to be taken off the friend’s mailing list and forwarded the dangerous e-mail message about shooting President Obama to the FBI and then let go.
What might “yielding” mean to these three people? The woman in the grocery store might have responded, “You’re right. I’m not paying attention. Thanks for the reminder.” And then she might have said to the check-out person, “I apologize. It wasn’t your fault at all. It was mine. I’m going to go get another dozen eggs and I insist on paying for them.” The man in the doctor’s office might have responded, “I’m sorry. I’m not thinking. I’d be irritated if someone was talking on the phone too. I’ve got some business I need to do but I can do it where I’m not disturbing anyone.” And the friend of the friend who heard back from many people about how offensive his e-mail about shooting the President was might have written back to everyone, “I apologize, folks. I wasn’t thinking. I was trying to be funny, but I see clearly how unfunny it was.” The woman in the store, the man in the doctor’s office, and the irresponsible Republican partisan know what is true and one day may be able to put it into practice. One day they might.
May the spirit of the holidays fill all of our hearts with the clarion sound of wonder and gratitude for all of 2010, and may we be yielding disciples of life.
