Are You Guys Brothers?

     Ray and I kissed in Central Park this Thanksgiving week as we lovingly gazed across the lake at the beautiful angel on our beloved Bethesda Fountain and listened to a large black family (The Boyds) create enchanting religious harmonies together.

     The holidays in New York are always a magical time of year for us, treasured for the city’s exquisite beauty, never-ending excitement, and wonderful yuletide traditions, but also because time there helps Ray and me find moments of blissful intimacy with each other, something that is often lost in the frenzy and boredom of daily routines.

     We are in bed now in the Algonquin Hotel, he beginning his slumber after reading a few more pages of Gregory Maguire’s new book, A Lion Among Men, lulled into secure sleep by the sound of waves crashing on a rocky coast, thanks to a small battery-operated machine we have carried with us to the four corners of the earth. (Our Peruvian guides were confounded by the sound of surf coming from our tent at night on the Inca Trail at 12,000 feet above sea level.)

     We spoke today as we meandered through the Metropolitan Museum of Art toward the Baroque angel Christmas tree, and through the Fricke in search of Ray’s favorite Vermeer, of how full our lives have been together. It has been quite a trek, we said, brimming with adventure, good fortune, and happiness. We also reflected on our disappointments, mostly from our unrealistic expectations of some family members and friends.

     This New York City Christmas present to each other is being paid for during this stressful financial period with American Express reward points. We would otherwise have cancelled the reservations we made to see three plays when my corporate engagement there was postponed. And despite the frigid weather, this whirlwind weekend has been a luxurious and much-needed reminder to us of what we have shared, what we value, and what we mean to each other.

     While here we saw the terrific new gay film Were the World Mine in the company of 100 other gay men in a Union Square theater (it’s shocking to Ray and me how lonely we can initially feel when surrounded by other gay men) and the plays All My Sons, The Seagull, and In the Heights, the last of which was thoroughly enjoyed except at the beginning when I got irritated by what I felt was the overly-enthusiastic feedback from the Latino man and woman sitting behind me who had already seen the show and had brought their daughter to share their joy. I gave them the McNaught scowl and then relaxed when I reminded myself what it would be like to sit ahead of Ray and me at our second viewing of “Hairspray.” After awhile, he and his wife’s whistles and “bravos” of the Tony-winning musical about a New York Spanish neighborhood became part of the play’s charm. During the intermission, I noted that the man sitting behind me with whom I had initially communicated my mild irritation was the actor Edward James Olmos who the lead actor and playwright of In the Heights saluted during the curtain call.

    Sitting directly behind him, also on the aisle, was a mother and young teenage son whose lap was filled with posters and other memorabilia from the musical. She and her son kept sneaking glances at Ray and me as we stood in the aisle during the Intermission and snuck glances at them. We decided on the way home that she knew that we knew that she knew her son was gay. I had wanted to hand her a business card and whisper “E-mail me if you ever need to talk,” but I didn’t. Nevertheless, I never want him to feel lonely in the presence of other gay men. Were the world mine!

     Ray kissed me four times (on more than our usual three) before letting his head sink into the pillow tonight. Each kiss lasted a little longer and was a bit more intimate. Were both “in the moment,” for which I give thanks, for I will miss it when we return home and slip back into our routine.

     “Sweet dreams” he said. Sweet dreams is what we have created together over the past thirty-two years, with each new adventure, such as this incredible quick trip to New York providing another opportunity to fully, if only briefly, experience life in the safety and comfort of each other’s company.

     At this time of Thanksgiving, I acknowledge with a grateful heart the love of my life, Ray, the City of New York, the gay hundred men with whom I sat in silence in the dark, the angels on the tree in the museum, the actors who made me think and feel deeply, James Olmos and his wife who made me grow, and the young gay boy and his mother who reminded me of why we all work so hard today to make this a better world. 

      A nice Mormon lady wrote to me this week because she struggled with my position on the defeat of marriage rights for gay men and women in California, Florida, and Arizona, and because the tone of my last entry “Good Grief” seemed quite different to her than the one she heard from me when I spoke on gay and transgender issues at her company. She wrote, in part:

Dear Brian –

     I’m very sorry for the struggles you’re currently going through — financial, Proposition 8, betrayal by Catholics and blacks. I’ve never met you, but have viewed both your presentations at work as well as read most of your blogs, etc — I’m trying to learn and really understand/appreciate the issues — and change some of my own less than accepting thoughts/actions along the way.  I have great respect for you and wish you all the joy that life offers — I truly believe that you and Ray should be officially acknowledged as partners and afforded the rights of married people when it comes to hospitals, wills, etc. — but I find it hard to reconcile those feelings with my religious beliefs — where marriage is defined as a union between a man and a women (just as a reference, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints … will get back to that in a minute)

     After reading your blog, I do have to ask a rather pointed question (or two) — do you really think that blacks and Catholics are trying to make your life miserable or that all religious fundamentalists vote against increasing gay rights because they are “frightened”?  Or are these primarily good people who believe in a certain definition of marriage (which differs from your definition) and have placed their votes according to their beliefs?  In the same way that members of the gay community contribute their time, energy and finances to support their views, members of various religious communities do the same thing and are cast as mean-spirited or frightened? Somehow that doesn’t seem quite right to me — it seems to be a bit intolerant and not consistent with the message you taught at work and the kind, gentle, thoughtful person as I perceive you.

     Because of my religious beliefs, I hope that the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman is maintained. But I also hope that you are able to define a comparable concept for unions between gays and lesbians that afford you comparable rights — without asking either side to compromise their beliefs.  There must be a way for both groups to walk together side-by-side, respecting the rights and privileges and beliefs of one another.

     Please don’t be offended by my questions and remarks — they are not meant to cause you grief at all. Whether you did it intentionally or not, your words caused me to question.  Hopefully you can help me understand.

With warmest regards

     I replied:

     Thank you for the thoughtfulness with which you sent your message. You’re a good soul and your music is welcoming.

     I agree with you that the overwhelming majority of people who have voted against the right of gay people to marry are good people. But good people do bad things for what they consider to be the right reasons. Our human history is filled with such stories. They think what they’re doing is right because they are misinformed. And as you recall from my presentation, I believe that ignorance, or lack of accurate information, is the parent of fear. That’s why I said that the opponents of Ray and me being considered married are fearful. If they understood what they were doing and the impact of their vote on others, they wouldn’t have voted the way they did. I believe that.

     Marriage is not a religious institution. If it were, the state wouldn’t have the right to marry people. It’s the other way around. The state grants the right to marry to pastors, ministers, and rabbis. It allows them to act on its behalf. Just because the Catholic Church thinks of marriage as a sacrament doesn’t mean they invented marriage. Its mention in the 10 Commandments doesn’t suggest that it was instituted by God.  The union of two people as soul mates, companions, mutual defenders, and sometimes procreators dates to the beginning of time. When the first human beings went off two by two and created homes of their own, they didn’t call it a “marriage” but they had the support of the rest of the village. When religion was created out of people’s beliefs in something bigger than themselves, the religious groups celebrated these unions with rituals of affirmation.

     Marriage exists in China, Russia and in other countries where religion is regulated or banned. People still go to City Hall, sign legal documents, have their union recognized and recorded by the state, and then, if they so choose, have another ceremony in their church. Most don’t. Are they not “married?”

     Churches in the U.S. don’t have the legal right to define for the rest of the country what is legally right or wrong. If they did, the Southern Baptist Church would have prevailed in their unflinching support of slavery. The framers of our Constitution made clear that we are a nation of civil rules and not a theocracy. So, if Mormons and Catholics and black Baptist preachers say they refuse to marry gay people in their churches, I say they have the right to do so, but they don’t have the right to define marriage for the rest of us.

     Asking me to compromise on my right to have the state provide me with the same 1,007 rights the state grants to heterosexual married couples by accepting that what I have with Ray is separate but equal is like asking me to accept that the water that comes from the “Black Only” water fountain is just as good as the water that comes from the more revered “White Only” water fountain. Why would I when I pay for the water the flows through the “White Only” water fountain?

     Now, if everyone agrees to call the union between two individuals, regardless of gender, a “Civil Union,” and to restrict the term “Marriage” to church weddings, I’m comfortable with that if everything is changed to reflect it. Marriage licenses would become civil union licenses, the marriage announcements in newspapers would become civil union announcements. Just as the state doesn’t regulate baptism or give it any legal standing or benefits, nor would it marriage. Only churches would marry, and then all of us could find a church that would or wouldn’t marry us. When Ray and I were married in Canada, it was a Unitarian minister, designated by the state as its representative, who did so. He also blessed us as a minister of a Church.

     Regarding blacks and Catholics, every study will show you that the black community is the most intolerant of any one racial or ethnic group in the United States toward gay people. I have straight black friends who have been more courageous in their support of gay rights than many gay people I know, just as I have straight Catholic friends who have done the same, but the religious leadership of both groups are openly hostile to gay people. Black ministers are now acknowledging (when forced) that their homophobia stopped them from addressing the AIDS epidemic that is now decimating their community. Gay black Baptists, like gay Mormons, live in fear of being discovered and socially ostracized. The overwhelming majority of gay Catholics and gay Mormons have left their churches. That does not mean that they are not spiritual. On the contrary. We are among the most spiritual people I know. But how would you describe the motivation of the people who have forced these people to leave the faith of their families? They are making my life miserable, but I nevertheless say it is out of ignorance, and therefore fear. If it is not ignorance and fear that motivated the votes on gay marriage, the other options are less flattering.

     Please know that I understand why you sense a difference in the tone in my talks in your workplace and in the blogs I have written since the election. I prefer the gentle, peaceful side of me to that which feels anger. That’s why I repeatedly said in my blogs that I need to wash out the black bile that is clogging my veins. Anger is destructive, but occasionally, as Jesus demonstrated with the money changers, individuals who used religion to suit their own purposes and not that of God, it needs to be expressed.

     It’s always my hope that those gay people who have left the Mormon, Catholic, and other Churches, will find in my writing the affirmation they need to keep their eyes on the horizon. Several people have written to say “thank you” for expressing my view in the blog you cited. I feel that if they see me express anger but then try to reframe the situation to reflect higher values, they will not get lost in their resentment.

     Thank you again for taking the time to share with me your thoughts. I want always to be the kind, gentle, thoughtful person you experienced. That is where on the horizon my eyes are focused. Sometimes though the rough waves of life distract you with the need to hold on for dear life.

With warmest regards

     And she responded:

Dear Brian –

     Thank you for your response — now I’m thoroughly confused — which from your standpoint is probably a good thing. Instead of considering the issue from only one side (from my religious perspective), I’m now thinking about it from your side as well.  If it came to a vote in my home state tomorrow, I’m not sure how I would vote.  You have a very convincing argument — why not afford all people the opportunity to marry and allow the various institutions (churches, etc.) choose whether or not to support that within their institutions based on their religious viewpoints or other organizational guidelines — it makes sense. I too thank you for expressing your view — it makes me think and ask questions that I wouldn’t otherwise consider.

Best wishes

      Perhaps I need a few more plunges into the ocean to rid me of the dark thoughts that linger about the defeat of Proposition 8 in California, but maybe those feelings of grief are actually good and shouldn’t be expunged.

     The rescinding of marriage rights in California because a small and small-minded majority feels personally threatened doesn’t impact Ray and me legally because we were wed in good old Canada in 2003 and our home state of Florida has made it abundantly clear that Key West will freeze over before they will ever recognize us as a couple, even with a closeted gay Republican as the governor. But our hearts were broken by the disproportionately large percentage of blacks and Catholics who voted against gay marriage. We both grew up Catholic and we both have been lifelong activists on behalf of black people. We feel a bit betrayed.

     The grief we feel is good perhaps because it brings Ray and me together as a couple. There’s nothing like a crisis — election losses, family visits, the evaporation of retirement programs — to bring us into each other’s thoughts and arms. Commiseration is good for the soul of the relationship.

     There’s also goodness in the grief because it slaps me out of the sleepwalking that can take over my life. Routines are hard to maintain when my mind is filled with emotional dramas and fantasies — “Maybe Barack Obama will remind socially conservative black Americans that his mother and father’s marriage was not recognized as legal in all U.S. states until 1967. Won’t they then be ashamed of themselves and their short memory.” (I don’t know how to shame the Catholics who voted with the Mormons beyond reminding them of how stupid the charade of annulments is so that they can remarry contrary to the teachings of Jesus, not that I oppose divorce.)

      Sometimes grief is good because it reminds me of how I create my own happiness and my own suffering. It forces me to decide if I want to play the victim or take back control of my life. It’s satisfying to blame blacks and Catholics for my emotional duress because it sets me up for sympathy, but do I really want the rest of the culture to respond to my hurt by making the lives of blacks and Catholics as miserable as those two groups consistently try to make mine? Not really.

      Who cares what the majority of blacks, Catholics, Mormons, and other religious fundamentalists think? One day soon, gay couples will be able to marry in every state. Frightened people can’t block that from happening forever. Until then, I need to celebrate the joy of my own life with Ray, even without its legal protections or church sanctions.

      It’s good to be reminded of that from time to time. Grief focuses and strengthens my resolve. It slaps me into recognizing what’s real and what’s relevant.

     I feel better already. Grief is good. Good grief.

Dear Friends,

     I threw my aging body into the ocean this morning for a much-needed baptism of the spirit. I asked the divinity of nature to purge me of the dark sludge that competes with the bright light that wants to fill me from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It helped.

     As an American, I’m so very, very happy for, and proud of, the nation. A country whose early economy was based almost solely on white people owning black men, women, and children from Africa for slave labor, and which until 1967 allowed states to forbid black people from marrying white people, has elected as President of the United States the mixed-race son of an African man and a white American woman, sending a clear message internationally that we Americans not only have a dream, but we now have a reality. I wanted to hug every black person I saw yesterday and today, and I did so with my big smile and a “thumbs up” at bus stops, in the doctor’s office, at the grocery store, and at the beach.

     As a gay man, though, who was married by a neighboring country in 2003 before my own country would recognize my relationship with my male soul mate of 32 years, I’m very sad, angry at, and embarrassed by those heterosexual people who with fear-clenched hearts rejected  equal relational status for me and Ray in California, Florida, and Arizona. We gay men and women in
America don’t yet have a reality, we have only a dream.

     Knowing that the black voters in California overwhelmingly (69% to 31%) rejected the equal status of gay couples, I smiled and gave a big “thumbs up” to those I saw today and yesterday with mixed feelings. I was thrilled for them but resentful too that so many in their community have learned nothing about the personal toll of discrimination. You expect more from fellow travelers. The other group that breaks my heart is those who go to church every Sunday. In California, they voted 83% to 17% against Ray and me having basic legal rights as a married couple. Their sense of morality is very foreign to my understanding of the Sermon on the Mount which I learned by going to church every Sunday in my youth and young adulthood.

     But though my euphoria at Barack Obama’s election is less unadulterated than it would otherwise be, I also know that social change takes time. Gay men and women are making enormous progress. It was only 34 years ago that an elderly usher at the Catholic cathedral in Detroit, when told by a police officer that those picketing on my behalf had a legal right to do so, said with genuine shock and I’d guess no conscious malice to the officer, “Really? I didn’t know that cocksuckers had legal rights.”

     Since then, homosexual sexual expression has been legalized throughout the United States, twenty states prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation in employment and housing, gay people can legally marry in Massachusetts and Connecticut, and in Canada, Spain, and the Netherlands, and have their civil unions recognized in twice as many places in the world, most major global corporations actively recruit gay employees and recognize their relationships with domestic partner benefits, an openly gay, non-incumbent man was just elected to Congress for the first time in American history, an openly gay priest has been consecrated as a bishop in the Episcopal Church, and presidential candidates from both parties openly seek the support of gay community. Barack Obama and the heavily Democratic Congress will end discrimination against gay men and women in the military, they will pass a bill to stop the bullying of gay high school students, and they will prohibit workplace discrimination in all fifty states within the next couple of years. The religious conservatives who are gloating today because of their victories against gay marriage in California, Arizona, and in Florida will soon feel as defeated as I feel today. The long-since deceased Catholic usher in Detroit would be quite amazed, I think, at how far his “cocksuckers” have come..

     He would also have been shocked had he stood in line with me and listened to the 20- year-old Iranian-born American college student talk about how all of her friends were going to vote against the anti-gay marriage amendment in Florida. First time voters in California came out 64% to 36% against the ban. White and Hispanic voters came out 55% to 45% against it. Before too long, our dream of equality will be a reality.

     I suspect that the horribly-expensive battles waged by the Mormon Church, the Catholic Church, and all other conservative religious groups in California, Arizona, and Florida this year created far more allies than they did opponents. They paid out the nose (as did we) for a very thorough public education on gay love that forced everyone in every family to talk about the issue and to take a stand. Those who voted against gay marriage will have to live with the same shame with which white people who oppressed blacks must live. Homophobia is no nobler than racism. 

     The sway that conservative black ministers have on their congregations will wane with intelligent leadership by our new black president, and the hold that fundamentalist Christians have had on the Republican Party will also wither in light of the party’s extraordinary drumming at the polls. That is good news for the nation and for me as a gay man. I’ve seen great change in the United States in the past 60 years on all social issues. I wish we hadn’t lost our amendment battles for the right to marry in California, Florida, and Arizona, but I’m quite certain that we will see full recognition of gay marriage in the next twenty years, hopefully within Ray’s and my lifetime.

     Happy days are indeed here again, and they will get happier. It just takes time and patience. Right now, I choose to really celebrate the significant victory we all have achieved in the election of Barack Obama as our Commander in Chief. And I can’t wait to see him, his wife, and his children physically enter the White House. It’s a great day in America.

Love,

Brian

www.brian-mcnaught.com